Friday, June 1, 2012

it's been a year...

It’s been a year.
Since my heart stopped beating. My world crashed down around me. My life was changed, forever. I can remember parts of it like it was yesterday. but it’s still all such a blur. It doesn’t seem real. This did not happen to me. im living someone else’s nightmare, right? I mean, this was not in my plan… how could this happen?
Ive tried to find the words, but I just can’t. nothing can come close to describing my life on that day, and the days to come..
My heart was breaking. I had been betrayed. Abandoned. Lied to. My trust was broken. My innocence was lost. My mind was blown. This could not be happening to me. to us. but it was… this was my reality. I didn’t deserve it. I never saw it coming. In some ways, I feel like I should have known. If only I would have paid more attention. Gone up there more. listened to others. Set boundaries. But it was too little too late. Nothing could change what had happened.
But I never gave up hope. I would not let this define me. I would not let Satan defeat me. I would not leave. I would stay and fight. For myself and my children. For my husband and our marriage. My family.
God opened my eyes to the many blessings in my life and was so real to me… he never left my side. He gave me strength. When I didn’t think I could go on, or when I thought I would never stop crying, when I thought about how this would affect my future, he protected me. he gave me peace. He would not let my mind wander to the “what ifs.” He put people in my life to help me, to encourage me… in such a time as this.
I learned that he was and is my everything. My hope, my trust, my joy, my provider. My comforter, my peace, my strength…not only my strength to go on, but to love and to forgive… he held me in his hands and wrapped his arms so tight around me. he protected me.
Unfortunately, Satan was also  more real to me than ever before. I realized that he tried to destroy me. to break me. to tear me down. but I’m so very thankful that what satan meant for evil, the lord meant for good!
It’s been a year.
They told me we could overcome this. That we would be stronger because of it. that we would learn certain lessons that we could not have learned any other way. I did not think it possible. But today, I am here to tell you, they were right. We have overcome this… we are stronger because of it, and there are several lessons we had to learn… and although they were hard lessons, and they hurt, I’m confident they will help us in the future.
God is beyond amazing, and has truly worked a miracle in my life. I’m blessed way more than I deserve. I’m thankful that he has made beauty from our ashes. It’s not always easy, and we aren’t perfect by any means. But as He promises: Love NEVER Fails! 


Ashley said...

Jamie, you are so brave! Thank you for sharing your heart. I am so proud of you for doing the unthinkable- by today's standard. you stayed, and claimed what the Lord said was yours. I can't imagine the pain and hurt you must have gone through, but how awesome that the Lord made something beautiful from your ashes!!!!!! You are a beautiful warrior!!!!